I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
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