Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
