Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
