Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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