ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
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