I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
This baby is an asshole
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Randomize
