someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
