So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
