3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I am midnight drunk by noon
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Randomize
