two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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