Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
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