Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
