I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
i think my cat just said my name.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
