i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Randomize
