i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize
