Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Randomize
