i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
