apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I got inside last night via doggy door
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
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