There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize