Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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