a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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