so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
He passed out mid-signature
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
