guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
