dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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