I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
so much tequila, so little girl.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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