I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
