The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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