I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I didn't notice because vodka
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
