I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
