Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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