i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize