So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
