Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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