before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
