I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Randomize
