god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
