dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
