How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
