Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Randomize
