I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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