the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
