Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Randomize
