Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
