the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
