I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Randomize
