Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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