Pants 0. Shit 1.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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