I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
