you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
