I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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