I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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