So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
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