I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
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