lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Randomize
