Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Randomize
